Once again, with feeling........

" I realized everything I believed true about my life had been a lie and a deception from stories I had created for myself without knowing it. "

Ah yes. The stories. The lies. The "needs" I have created. The misconceptions, the confusion, and from all of it the pain.

Who am I, in that world?

I am not exactly a failure but certainly not a success.
I am not well educated.
I am not young, or I'm too old now.
I am odd and bizarre in enough of a way that no one could possibly love me for it.
I am surrounded by people who tolerate me.
I am incapable.
I am lost.
I am wasting time that could be spent on something more productive.
I am not very productive.
I am smart but it doesn't amount to much.
I am wasting my creativity.
I am ultimately not lovable.
I have nothing to offer or contribute.
I am a burden.
I am living wastefully.
I am overweight.
I am messy and don't contribute.
I am guilty. WOW, That one really hit me hard. I have never noticed that.
I am guilty.
I am to be disregarded.
I am not good for much.
I'm a waste.
I'm a mess.
I'm a fool.
I'm sloppy and have no regard for others.
I am forgetful.
I have no contributions to make.

I really believe these things, more often than not, but in the quiet depths of my subconscious and not out loud in the noises of my thinking. They ooze and seep and cling to me as webbing. It seems that no matter how hard I try, they have an ever-presence and a permanence that is discouraging. The "on again, off again" methodology of these beliefs is taxing and tiring. I am surrounded by people who will tell me how untrue all of this is, but when one believes that one is unattractive, or even ugly, let's say, it is near impossible to hear the offering of good intentions of others. I have no real recourse against these things save a near daily verbal reminder to myself. That's what I have to do: step out of my head by speaking audibly to reassure myself of just how untrue this madness really is. What if all those things were or might be true? No matter what there is just no chance of answering all of that, so I just have to ask myself "Who would you be without that mental baggage, that thought?".......................