This is not about Biking or Gardening today

The misery of my thoughts, my being trapped in what I believe "others" should/should not be doing is of great weight upon me today. Has been, really, for several days past and I am at a loss for why I have come back to this place and allowed myself to return to that patterned failing. I know that it is ineffectual, that it is a losing prospect; others' behaviors, choices and actions are outside of my control. I am not God. SURPRISE!!! And I will only lose myself in this 100% of the time.
I cannot begin to imagine how my eternal optimism gets hijacked by my ruminating about this subject, yet it is so familiar in how it happens. I lose myself in the belief that others need to/should want to be accommodating, that they are authentic people with good intentions(this is not to say that it is not true) and mean well. But I lose myself somewhere as I expect them to follow thru on their previous actions. Do they have an obligation to answer when asked? Is my contacting them for a clear delineation of intent unreasonable? I do not know but have to confess that I have been accused of stalking when I feel that I am just following up, or am thus met with silence when doing so. I am shamefully saddened as I write this because someone somewhere perceived this behavior as threatening when I am the least threatening and demanding person I know.
In the "online" world I find most of my troubles. Fear grips me now about revealing this here, honestly assessing what expectations are reasonable(having none is so hard!), what time frame is livable as I become so dependant upon "instant" answering as texting, IMing, emails provides, how my not getting the "instant answers" that I want becomes a value judgement upon me as being unworthy of the recipient's attentions(how utterly unreasonable and laughable yet so accurately describes my position). I do not seek to stalk, own, dominate someones life, yet it is a treacherous and confusing walk through this world where there is limited human contact, lots of effort to engage, and an eventual empty room that I stand in with all of these pictures up on the wall with offerings of so much and yet there is no follow-thru. I imagine watching a movie and getting caught up in the action so much that I begin to believe that I am truly there. A really good movie has this magic but the end comes and I remember that I am not really in it and I can come back to "reality" and know that it was all a "dream". How is it that I get sucked in to dating/meeting online and cannot shake the notion of just how unreal, like that movie, it is? And, most important, if it is so unreal, why am I willing to even put myself there? I get sucked in so easily by the visual stimuli presented, cast myself around to try to engage, expect some kind of participation and find the hollowness of the enclosure and its ripping me apart.
How is it that one cannot have expectations? If there are no expectations then why would one enter in to begin with? There is no sense in believing that I should have no expectations. "Hello, I would like to meet you and talk, but since I have zero expectations then it is certainly OK for you to just disregard this and I will not be surprised". Is that realistic? Having no expectations is just a catch phrase that people use to convey a simplistic approach to how they approach each other. It is disingenuous, dishonest and unrealistic. Of course if I have expectations then I am perceived as a threat. A wacko. Needy. Demanding. Unworthy.
The other side to this is, "Do I lower my expectations to meet someone?" And if I had no expectations then anyone would be acceptable? Ultimately, I believe that all people are living their lives in a manner which seems to suit them(until they don't) and it is not for me to judge them unacceptable, unworthy, etc. So how can I then justify having expectations as to how someone else will fit into my life or me into theirs? Easy: I know what I can live with as far as certain qualities, activities(heavy drinking/drugs not acceptable, for example) and so does that make me "less tolerant" or "having too many expectations"? Where is that line drawn so that I may know how to behave?
If it's really just about living easy and being simple then why do I bother with the rituals of "dating" and why is it that I believe the story that I "need" someone else around me who is more than just a friend? That is the final answer to all of this: my belief that I need "that" companionship, that connection to another and it is the downfall of this man today. I grovel in the shadow of belief and it pains me, drags me down, sucks my life right out of me, traps me in these pain-filled concepts of "not enough", "not good enough", "half empty" and as I look at at it from this vantage point I can see the reminder which has always been there that "jumping in" to this "movie scene" and believing it to be real is my own undoing so undoing it is the real answer. I have what I need, everything, and if there is to be more, it will arrive when it is supposed to and I can rest assured that I need not look for it. Can I continue to be this?