Nostalgia begins with a thought

My, but I am reeling from the memories of before. It's such a feeling, or set of feelings, that washes over me, paining and thrilling me all at once. I have reached the place in my lifetime where memories are starting to feel like stabbing assaults for my not doing or being something, or for the times when I was young, filled with hope and had everything set out before me. I get so disillusioned by the idealism of the youths around me, my projected remembrance of how I was, in assumption that they, too, can see the limitlessness they possess that could compel them to greater things. No one knows that any of this is true. I can no more share with and influence their decisions and choices then if they were my own child. Everybody does as they need to with what is given them and it is an exercise in futility for me to imagine that any of it is real. I am glad that I have no kids for they would inevitably disappoint me in so many ways. That is what they do. I remember my mum telling me how proud of me she was and I wonder how much disappointment was underlying that pride. And for what? Just growing up to be an adult? I often wonder what it is that I had become that brought a smile to her face? And now she's gone, could never articulate that pride anyway. I am lost right now in a swirl of mad-making thoughts that are based in presumptive stories about how life should be, who I should be, how I should look, behave, what I should have. There is no profound truth and reality in any of it. It is a world created in the confines of my life that will never be anything more than subconscious influences which I work diligently to not let in and overwhelm me with untruths and mental anguish. It is not happening. It is not happening. My mother is dead, there's never to be any answers about her perspective, I can not change the past(she said that daily), nor can I realistically form my actions and plans around those lies. It is as futile as trying to regain the near perfect body of my youth. One is meant to have what one has in the moment one has it. In longing for what cannot be lies the trap of deception and fantasy. How can I be my most effective if I'm lost in those nebulous and ever-changing fantastical dreams. It is one thing to have dreams that are achievable, quite another to dream of what amounts to "Someone Else's" life. Nothing real or doable in that mess. I call it my soap opera....................