Colorful skies and rosy outcomes

There's a parade today, which I have purposefully avoided, yet at some friends' house I see it on the TV. I am losing the battle against the negative thoughts of not being good enough as I reluctantly watch the whole unfold before me. I finally had to walk away. I do not feel that 'they" "should" or "should not" be doing what they are doing. I am not responsible for their ways of life and self-definitions. I am, however, unable to witness the goings on and not be plowed over with feelings of insufficiency, dread, regret, not good enough, insecurity, etc as I witness the various images of "perceived perfection" roll down market Street. I needed to stay away. I cannot eliminate the exposure to the whole of the visual imagery which shakes me to my core, and I expect to gain much from the minimization of "voluntary" exposure. One day soon I will be much more immune to it and not suffer the devastation that wracks my soul today. I can see re-entering the world of visual stimuli and experiencing a moderate response to those things, whereas today I have immersed myself too deeply and am still terribly sensitive to it all. I do not need to spend time "boosting" my self confidence with words of value, self-talk that is meant to build esteem. I am just wading out of the pool of porn and "perfection" imagery so I can gain a clearer and more accurate "worldview" and stop crucifying myself over what is really just a confused point of view and which is completely narrow in its scope, as well as terribly inaccurate and emotionally violent. I have been twice tempted in the last 24 hours to go back to what I am avoiding, simply because I "had nothing else to do" and it was momentarily frightening and alluring, but I managed to fill the time up with other activities. I am pleased to say that I have done well and expect that I will continue to do well for the rest of this day............