"I don't need you!"

I am eating fresh pears and tomatoes from my garden today. The pears are falling by the ton and so I figured it would be okay to eat a few before the whole mess is rotting on the ground. The tomatoes are sadly not getting eaten like I expected, so I am doing the whole Popping Them Into My Mouth and eating them whole. it seems better than letting them drop to the ground and shrivel. A few of them are really kind of dense and mealy but most of them are sweet and juicy. It is a nice thing to have. I am pleased to have this lovely bounty.

Neobenthamia gracilis, Catasetum pileatum and Habenaria rhodocheila are all in bloom right now, with flower spikes possible on my Stanhopea ospinae as well, although it is too new a division to be blooming and having it not be detrimental to the health of the plant. I will probably end up breaking it off if it is not a new growth but rather a flower spike. Imagine getting pregnant right after having long term treatment for a life-threatening illness. It would be uber-devastating to the body to have to carry a baby when the body has been wracked with illness(we are not debating abortion here).

The garden has no need of me, save pulling a few weeds, and I am not riding this month so there is no great adventure to report...........

Once again, with feeling........

" I realized everything I believed true about my life had been a lie and a deception from stories I had created for myself without knowing it. "

Ah yes. The stories. The lies. The "needs" I have created. The misconceptions, the confusion, and from all of it the pain.

Who am I, in that world?

I am not exactly a failure but certainly not a success.
I am not well educated.
I am not young, or I'm too old now.
I am odd and bizarre in enough of a way that no one could possibly love me for it.
I am surrounded by people who tolerate me.
I am incapable.
I am lost.
I am wasting time that could be spent on something more productive.
I am not very productive.
I am smart but it doesn't amount to much.
I am wasting my creativity.
I am ultimately not lovable.
I have nothing to offer or contribute.
I am a burden.
I am living wastefully.
I am overweight.
I am messy and don't contribute.
I am guilty. WOW, That one really hit me hard. I have never noticed that.
I am guilty.
I am to be disregarded.
I am not good for much.
I'm a waste.
I'm a mess.
I'm a fool.
I'm sloppy and have no regard for others.
I am forgetful.
I have no contributions to make.

I really believe these things, more often than not, but in the quiet depths of my subconscious and not out loud in the noises of my thinking. They ooze and seep and cling to me as webbing. It seems that no matter how hard I try, they have an ever-presence and a permanence that is discouraging. The "on again, off again" methodology of these beliefs is taxing and tiring. I am surrounded by people who will tell me how untrue all of this is, but when one believes that one is unattractive, or even ugly, let's say, it is near impossible to hear the offering of good intentions of others. I have no real recourse against these things save a near daily verbal reminder to myself. That's what I have to do: step out of my head by speaking audibly to reassure myself of just how untrue this madness really is. What if all those things were or might be true? No matter what there is just no chance of answering all of that, so I just have to ask myself "Who would you be without that mental baggage, that thought?".......................

Sir, that is very dangerous weapon. Please put it down.

Am I in the dream? Am I lingering in some beliefs that are untrue? Frankly I do not feel as though either of these questions are true for me. I am definitely reactionary. I am definitely raw emotionally. There is very little that can be seen as "wrong" and yet I am obssesed with things going badly. It is up and down, up and down and yet I have nothing that is truly a problem. My future-tripping is immense though. I fear what I will not be able to accomplish, from assigned tasks to bike rides to keeping my job. I am winding myself up into a very tight ball and it is going to make me crazy. There is nothing wrong with me, my life, my circumstances, my health, my abilities, my productivity, my garden or greenhouse, my living situation, my cat, my typing, my riding, etc.......I am plagued with fear that something is going to go wrong. I am unable to identify what is the precursor to that fear. I am told that it is from believing a thought or set of thoughts that my discomfort and near-misery arises but I do not see what that thought is. I just know that anything that pops up in my head right now is filtered through the belief of failure, the destiny of destruction. It is so miserable to be in. I just keep sitting back on the couch and looking around me and reminding myself to just be in this room, with its yellow walls, wall hangings, books on a shelf, floor under my feet, windows to the sky, cats lingering in half-sleep near by. What is real are those things as opposed to the circulating fear and loathing that is swirling around inside my head. It must be recognized that I will create some destructive reality "out here" by participating in and believing in the goings-on in this head of mine. But right now I can claim the factual belief that none of that is real, none of the messages are of import. Do not "go into them" and engage the messages and try to "fix it", rather just be here in this room, knowing that what is around me is real and anything else is way beyond my understanding, influence or control and therefore must be abandoned as useless and without merit. it is simple but not easy.................

When the study of criminals becomes personal

Have I told you of the chicken that is nesting(?) under the banana tree in our front yard? She(?) has been in the exact same spot for almost 3 weeks now and I cannot imagine that she is doing anything other than nesting. We'll see what is going on soon enough I guess. right on the immediate other side of that wall is Honey, the pit bull. I don't know if she knows the chicken is less than 2 feet from her or if, perhaps, they have stricken a deal to co-exist out of necessity and in the name of peace in the neighborhood.

These are pictures of the two Cycnoches chlorochilon that have been blooming for me this summer. The top picture is the smaller of the plants that has flowers right this moment. The two pics below are of the one that had flowers in June. To me they have distinctively different sameness, as in the lower pictures are more like the "bird in flight" that so many talk about when referencing the look of these flowers. The upper plant pictured has so much more roundness to the flowers. Either way they are glorious and incredible smelling!!! The lower plant has a newly emerging 2ND flower spike, probably to bloom in September. It has just popped out

The red dahlias are just riveting, spiky cactus dahlias with lots of flowers and sprightly depths. Of course I forgot ALL ABOUT staking them, so over they toppled with the wait of those big puffy rusty Merlot flowers. Quite nice.

So I rode 38.83 miles today, in spite of it being very much later than I usually go out. I left at 5:30 and rolled in at 8 o'clock. Nice ride out to Alameda, Bay Farm Island, Oakland International Airport and down Doolittle Drive into San Leandro. Sunny and warm but west winds killing me at every turn.

When the swimmer splits his suit

It's funny how a single thing washes over me the feelings of regret, even when that regret is misguided, inappropriate, useless, not real. I pursue, at a minimal but pervasive level, a subconscious "slicefest" against myself, deepening as I don't address its violent tendencies and subliminal aggression. It is what makes me want to write. It is what makes me want to open all the windows on my psyche and air the place out. Abandon the aggression and cutting, the judgements and poor treatment. But I have to wake up and see it first. There is always a sour, painful feeling first. I look at it and ask myself "What is that about?" then I begin to unravel the half truths and blatant lies that are the food for my discontent and malice. It is what makes me miserable, what digs at me and suggests that I am no good. It has always been a staple of my life, and not in a good way. My perspective is that I am not that messed up individual, that worthless person that those messages suggest. I just have to be vigilant in this moment to challenge them and deny them the air they need to survive. It is not for the rest of my life that I answer but for right now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? I may wake up free of the whole mess of it all. Until then, there is right now and I say "NO" to the madness....

When does it become problematics?

It's a day of remembrance, a day of washing-up memories of the simplest things. Funny how listening to a single piece of music, say, Marvin Gaye's 'What's Goin' On' reminds me of the days of working at the flower market at, like, 2 AM and Ginger, my supervisor, always played the local R&B station. Now it's George Michaels' 'Careless Whisper' and how my prom date and I danced(sort of) to it in 1986. Not "happy" nor "sad" memories, but sweet in the remembering. The Eagles 'Lyin' Eyes' was a song from an album that my mother used to put on(when she was feeling "secular") around the house, mostly on Saturdays, to fuel her cleaning frenzies. Funny how I still smell the Pine sol and hear the vacuum just now. And of course her yelling at us to clean our rooms and put stuff away when we are finished with it. She didn't devote tons of time to cleaning, mostly spastic and periodic, which is just how I am today. She's gone now and if I could just get back one Saturday morning cleaning with her, I would scrub the crap out of every surface just to have her in the same room, even if she were yelling at me. I miss her ginger mullet and need to vocally dominate our behavior as her way of trying to ensure that we turned out OK. She was doing her best, no matter how flawed. And when she played Creedance Clearwater Revival she liked to get us to dance together with her in the living room. The negative emotions and upset that we all lived through has washed away and I can sit with what is good from those days. That ridiculous olive green, heavily textured carpet in the living room was actually a good piece of vintage flooring for dancing on. She used to listen to such a wide variety of music that inspired so many different things for her, from country, to gospel to rock and roll, often would put on something unexpected to inspire something which we, as children, couldn't conceive of nor understand but were paramount to the moment for her. I often find myself doing such things too that inspire good feelings, rich and pure and quiet and personal. Things that I can write down, but to speak of these moment-by-moment reminding would be sort of boring, or hard to explain to others. I am awash in good feelings, fueled by coffee with hazelnut and good music. David Sedaris writes like I think. I enjoy reading his missives because I can clearly see the minutiae of the moment and know it is how my mind runs along around small things.

In the beginning was......was......hmmmm...who was there?

A life of yesteryear's, folded neatly and stored in the brain, a life of promised tomorrows, imagined to be like what they can never really be like. It is indeed just a movie script, all that I see, with players set to play particular roles, even the ones whom are designated to believe that what I write is foolish. Of course it is foolish, because it rails against the scripted beliefs that they hold to and claim as their "truths". Who am I to try to convince them that they are living foolishly, that they should try to convince me that my ways and beliefs are mistaken. It is not my job, but some of those around me and in this larger world feel they are duty-bound to offer course-correction, insights and platitudes into my particular way of living. I am flabbergasted and yet so familiar with this way of thinking. We all always believe we know what is best for others, but is that true? Isn't it really true that we are deeply inflicted with a need to change others, manage the chaos of this life, make the right decisions to prevent others from mistakes, as though we could answer for their need to learn what it is that they need to experience.....to be continued.....

There's gold in them there hills.....

Today I had a strange and rather unpleasant meltdown after I got home from riding 33.16 "in town" miles. I am fairly confident that it was "sourced" from my not eating enough and being tired, not from any kind of long term paranoia and such. I just basically had a panic attack, based on nothing, really: The world is going to end in my lifetime, I don't have enough money, the floors are dirty and need sweeping(which I did), the garden is dry and the water bill is due(paid), there are clouds in the sky, the freeway is too close to my house and I can hear it, nobody likes me, the cats are needy; ever feel like that? Not about the cats but the overall madness that I have written of? It is passing now. I have not had such anxiety in many a year and so it is unpleasant but it is manageable. I doubt that I will be crushed by it as, since the world is ending in my lifetime, all will be settled!!!

Of course I am a fool. And I know it. So, if there is any reason to doubt me and my ability to manage my particular "crazy", you can rest assured that it will not be visited upon your doorstep. Of course, I know all too well how it is for others to be exposed to my grand dysfunction. But is it "dysfunction" or am I just a little peculiar? I don't really have an answer but I have seen how people get when I am honest and open. Friends suggest I "edit" myself and I suppose I see the potential benefit from that. Ultimately, I am just living my life from an open perspective(I think) and it is not for everyone. There seems to be a reason for my honesty, my openness, that supersedes the need to connect superficially with certain persons. I do not know....

I am delighted to report that my Eulophiella roempleriana has 3 new growths. This is a plant that I got in the spring because my friends Mike says it is a "must have" but it also gets quite big. I am sure that there will come a time when I either get rid of it or some other plants to make room for it. At the moment it is in a 4 inch pot, so I have some time. I actually have a lot of things in bloom right now. This is the first time in my orchid growing lifetime that so many plants have bloomed for me. It is with great pleasure that I survey my kingdom and know that I am indeed fortunate. I think that I am done now..........writing, that is, not done living.......

And the day comes when you just no longer know

I think what is by far most interesting right now is how I have had such a steady flow of habitual actions that I am trying to end and just the slightest hint of it makes me want to dive back in. Just the slightest suggestion and that part of my brain cries out: "What am I gonna do with myself? Oh GAWD.............................!" and I "see" minor pictures in my head of things remembered, things that I used to do that bounce around in there, begging to be done again. It is true what "they" say to newly recovering addicts: "Always Have Something To Do" since I find myself wanting to go back to the familiar, time-filling visual journeys that always leave me destroyed in some way. I am nursing a minor tendinitis issue in my right foot, so I have to stay off my feet and not ride. I have been planning to ride 30-40 miles today since Friday, and the day arrives and I am not going anywhere, so I have time on my hands to do "stuff" and it has been a subtle but aggressive effort to get me to do what is familiar to me and that is just what I am not going to do.

I am cruising orchidspecies.com for information about different orchid species that I have. That is a good and wholesome pursuit....................

If you just want a special place......

On Friday, July 10, I hit the hills of Oakland and Berkeley. I had promised myself that I will climb more hills now, since I made my goal of 3000 miles before July 15. I rode 31.84 miles that morning before work and it was just as grueling and spectacular as I had recalled, although the decent is not exactly comfortable, since any small pebble, pothole, other detritus can throw one off the bike when speeding down the hill at such speeds. I think I hit 32 miles per hour but think about the smallness of the tires and how easily one could become "dethroned" by some little debris. I have set a new goal for myself now of 5000 miles by March 24, 2010. It breaks down to having to ride 3 days a week, 18 miles each day, until that date. I suppose 5000 miles in 2 years is not all that spectacular, unless you are like I was before Mar 24, 2008: not involved, not riding, not goal-oriented toward something like that.

The garden is in a state of gentle summer gladness, with lilium 'Black Beauty' starting to bloom, angraecum sesquipedale and cycnoches chlorochilon in full scented bloom. angraecum dideri has a flower right now as well and the coelogyne barbata has 2 flower spikes. It had bloomed nicely in the spring, so I am surprised by the newest spikes. dendrochilum magnum has several new growths, so it might also make some flowers for me. My cyrtopodium polyphyllum has 2 new growths, which means I may have 2 flower spikes come next spring, instead of just one. I have such a great garden!!!!

6 days and counting......

What can be said for my emotionalness these past few days? It is so reminiscent of the days when I was in the mental health system, taking "anti-" everything drugs, feeling hopeless and like there was hardly a reason to do anything more than coast along. I have been terribly bitchy at work since Friday. I have gotten things done as needed but have seen the world around me through the eyes of misery and discontent, as opposed to seeing the simplicity of "nothing happening" that has really been the truth of what is going on.

I went back to porn briefly because, as any good addict comes to believe, I can handle it. I suppose I am addicted to the idea of "love" and being "in love". Do I want to be in a relationship? I don't know. I don't really know if doing so is a realistic and useful thing, an ingrained instinctual reality or structural/cultural training from early childhood that says we all must strive to cohabitate with someone else. I keep running into the wall over it, bloodied and persisting, and I have no way of knowing if the action of pursuit really is worth the trade off.

Are people really happy in their relationships? I cannot ever know. When confronted with it as a question, "they" will declare their happiness or "they" will declare their misery, but one does not really ever come to know the truth outside of living in that other person's reality, and obviously, that is totally impossible. It is within themselves exclusively that they know happiness or not and barring my ability to "get in" and live their experience, I will always just have an outsider's view and will always have to take their word for it.

So, it is a highly personal experience. I do get caught up in the ideas and pictures of how it looks from my outside perspective, how they spin it to look prosperous and healthy or "happy-making". I have no inside perspective right now on a good relationship, as I am not in one, and I wonder if it is not just "training" that drives me to great effort to fulfill this "dream". I do not "know" how it can be, "should be", "should look like", "should feel like", "how" it is achieved, where to meet people, if the effort to try to put myself in the sights of others is worthwhile or futile, if the reality is that "it" will just "land" in my life of "its own accord". I don't really know.

The belief that "it SHOULD HAPPEN" is a damning weight so great, so destructive to the soul. It robs me of creativity, fluidity or purpose, compassion and goodwill. This belief makes me small inside and miserable, bitter and jaded, ugly to the core. My belief in the ideal of it kills me slowly each time it is put before me and then ripped away again. My belief that I "should" be in a relationship, that it is "right" for me to do, that it is "natural" means that every time it is still untrue and I continue to believe in it, I am damned by my own perceived failings.

I am bombarded constantly with the images of companionship, the notion that is is a regular part of life, and without it I have always believed something to be wrong within me, making me feel "less than", crazy, wasted, useless, "it's all in vain", etc. I have friends who seem to be living in the same kind of mental state. Is it more usual for us to be single and act alone in spite of the near-constant barrage of messaging that drives us to seek fulfillment in relationship? How much time am I wasting daily, "on the hunt" for whatever(which leaves me feeling empty and blue, bitter and useless), as opposed to putting that energy to work toward an actionable goal? I do not know what that goal would be for me but I do see my activities around relationship pursuits going unfulfilled and offering a view into futility defined. It is like the proverbial banging one's head against the wall, to the point of (daily) bleeding, yet being told by some great aspect that it is good and right to expose one's self to the grind of the hunt because "We all belong with someone"! Is that true?

I am finding that I need a break from the effort. I need a sabbatical from the torturous effort that twists my heart up into a loaded and painful wretch and makes me miserable toward others, negative, hurtful, hurt-filled, believing a message of lack and emptiness. I am stunned as I read my words just how clearly I am self-abusing and calling it OK because, well, "WE all belong with somebody" but it is not the reality in which I sit, I live. I almost wish to be rendered emotionless so that I do not feel compelled and driven to pursue the "good feelings" associated with this particular effort to join someone else.

It is also not of great value to me to try to repeal the sadness by living with the creed of self delusion that "it's OK to be alone" because trying to prop myself up with that sort of "logic" is the other end of this issue which keeps me locked up in the yo-yo, boomerang effect that goes along with the effort to logic my way out of this situation.

The truth as I see it:

1) I am alone. Is that true? YES! The pitfalls and dangers begin within the meaning I assign to the word "alone" and the subsequent value as well.

2) I should be with someone. Is that true? Clearly it is not true, unless I am trying to predict an imagined future, which by its very nature(imagined) is based outside of what is real(I am alone) right now. There is such a great danger in trying to tell a story based upon "should". It becomes too easy to "dream" and then punish the dreamer(me) for not having what is dreamt about. Unequivocally A tool of destruction.

3) I am doing just fine alone. Is that true? YES! Emphatically yes. Unless I am swept away into the dream of "should", then I am perfectly fine with what IS right now. If I succumb to the deepening and damaging mental lifestyle of an imagined future(see#2) then I doom myself to not being able to know just how successful(what is the meaning of this word to me?) and OK I am right here, right now.

4) I need something more in my life. Is that true? If I lose myself in the dream of how "it should be"(see #2,3) then I fall victim to my own thinking, doom myself to misery and have no good, until I wrest myself from it and regain the reality of what is. Until then, my body suffers, my mind is swirling in the "stories" and I can see nothing good coming out of anything, which is also to future-trip.

If there is courage to be just what I am right now; no stories of how it should be different, no belief that it is wrong in its immediacy, then shall I find the courage to be innocent again, compassionate, tender, easy with others, generous of spirit, not quick to cast aspersions, loving and open. All of this is who I truly am which gets hijacked by the negative campaign of "how it should be".

"I told you not to trust her!"

I rode 63.35 miles today, to Pinole and back via the Bay Trail, to Richmond Parkway, which goes into Pinole. I stayed put on that road, found myself quickly jettisoning along at a good clip. The wide open of the Parkway is so welcome. I found myself in a residential area of Pinole, stopped and asked a utility worker what city I was in(as I did not know) and he informed me, followed by an inquiry as to where i had ridden from. He about poo'd himself when I told him West Oakland. Anyway, I rode down a street called "Sarah" with a hill that is short but steep. I was so sure I would not be able to get back up it as I have on 24 gears(2 cassettes) and it was truly steep. Like San Francisco steep. Well, it was only 2 blocks long and I huffed and puffed and managed to get up it. Took a side street called "Atlas", which had several hundred 'prefab' homes waiting to be purchased and brand new roads waiting to be ridden. A deer9fawn, really) ran across the road, there is a regional UPS site there and Pinole Business Park but not too much else. Few cars, lots of blue skies, sweating like a mad man, and just exactly right in all ways. The Bay is viewable from the hills I climbed and it spreads out so nicely for as far as the eye can see. I am just still in a bit of heaven over today's ride. I was struggling to get home but I did manage to ride those miles in 4 hours 25 minutes. A friend who is in thew know(apparently) said that that kind of riding is CATEGORY 3, but I have yet to figure out what that means. I am just very pleased with the results. And damned tired. Such a good tired, though........

The garden....hmmmm......lilium Black Beauty is beginning to open(all 9 plants), dendrobium sanderae major has 2 flowers(a bit out of season, I believe), masdevallia hirtzii(mounted) has 5-6 flowers coming on it, the mystery epidendrum has 3 new growths, sobralia violacea has 5 new growths, angraecum sesquipedale has 3 flowers(and smelly!!), mystery hoya is blooming, I need to Google that one, Hmmmm.....running out of juice.....

as the end approaches, do your best......

It has been a productive day. I saw the ghosts of illusion rise up and try to take me into their darkness, but I just quietly said "No, thank you" and turned from them. It was subtle, soft, easy, simple and without pain or regret. So that was that. I have spent a considerable amount of time on the couch today, napping, emailing, research, exercises, relaxing, "jonsing" for a ride, knowing it was profitable to wait. I will be rising early tomorrow and going out to do some more miles. I need 58.66 miles before July 15 to make my goal of 3000 since mar 24, 2008 a reality. I am in no way concerned that it will go unmet. I feel success already in my grasp, just for the fact that I have done so much riding already. I am pleased that it has been so fruitful and I just hope that those who follow my work are inspired to take a few extra steps to make their lives a little richer with exercises as well.

I am quite bored with my garden as of late since it needs no work done in it lately. Almost no weeds, everything growing and prospering as expected. It seems that I am not currently needed, although I do need to tie up the tomatoes since they are getting so long and outside their cages. Well, that is no monumental task, so I just keep looking at them and knowing what I need to do and doing nothing in response. I am have tempted to just let them be the vines that they are and crawl along the ground but I do not know that Gerry would be too happy with that. Of course he will not find the time to get out there and tie them up either.

When strikes the mood, take advantage of the offering

Today I rode 38.22 miles in Alameda, Bay Farm Island, Oakland International Airport, around the Alameda County Ferry Terminal. The day was pleasant, breezy, traffic was at a minimum, the sun was slightly obscured by some amount of morning clouds and fog but managed to break through enough to warm. There was that estuary smell that I love. A sailboat that I rode alongside, sea birds along the coastal road as I sped past the walkers and runners engaging in their ritualistic activities. I made history for myself today by completing my 81st mile in 2 days. That was really satisfying. I rode hard, I rode strong, I pooped out at just the right time. I managed to get to work with just enough mojo left to effectively clean around the store and sell a few flowers.

When confronted with the winds of the coast while riding, do as the sea birds do.....

I rode 43.25 miles today along the Bay Coastal Trail. I used to ride to North Richmond/Point Richmond and turn around at the 15(ish) mile mark. Today i wanted more. There is a road that intersects with my usual ride which is called Harbor Way which rolls into 10Th street in North Richmond. Not recommended!!! the quality of the pavement drops off quickly and my assumption is that the City of Richmond does not value that section for their property tax contributions, etc. I could be wrong but I doubt it. I took another major thoroughfare to the side road leading out to the SS Red Oak Victory:

"Launched on November 9, 1944 as the SS Red Oak Victory, and commissioned as the USS Red Oak Victory (AK235) in December, 1944, the Red Oak Victory is the only vessel built by the Kaiser Shipyards in Richmond, California that is being restored. The ship saw service in World War II, Korea and Vietnam and has the distinction of being the only ship operated by both military and civilian personnel during her career.
In 1996, by an Act of Congress, title to the SS Red Oak Victory was conveyed to the Richmond Museum Association. One of the primary goals of the museum is to preserve, restore and develop the Red Oak Victory into a viable asset that can be used, enjoyed and appreciated by the citizens of Richmond and the surrounding Bay Area communities.
No man had a greater influence on the City of Richmond than Henry J. Kaiser. It is important that his accomplishments and contributions to the war effort and community be made known as an example of what committed people can do.
The Richmond Museum of History has undertaken this unique restoration project because one object, a World War II Victory Ship, has brought together the devotion and commitment of volunteers, the wartime accomplishments of a community, and the vision and ingenuity of one man."

There are a plethora of tug boats out in port there, like 25, so that was really cool, plus there is an old ship in dry dock:

"The WAPAMA, a wooden-hulled, steam-propelled vessel built for Charles R. McCormick's famed steamship company, remained in the West Coast fleet until 1947. The last surviving example of more than 200 steam schooners designed for the 19Th and 20Th-century Pacific Coast lumber trade and coastal service, WAPAMA's construction is unique in its use of sister frames and lack of steel strapping."

It was interesting to see all the activity that was going on around there in spite of the real silence. There were hundreds of cars parked around there and when I was leaving, a fleet of Kia cars were leaving the lot. Apparently, there is a receiving dock for Korean-made Kias that ships leave off at the Port of Richmond. I had to wait for all these Kia "coups(?)" to pass by. They were all the exact same design, with color schemes marking the only difference between each one. And so new, of course. They were all being driven to a train or long bed truck for delivery somewhere else. I felt like I could expect to see a camera crew riding alongside the cars for a new Kia commercial. Otherwise, it was really quiet there, with winds blowing off the bay, making nice whitecaps on the waters, a ridge of fog sitting over the western views to SF, and just a freshness that is reassuring about being able to find solace in a world that we are told by so many which is dangerous(chemicals, sins; environmentalists, religious folks) and just to know that all was well in that moment.

I have not ridden since the 30Th of May, so the 43.25 miles in 3:15 was somewhat astonishing. I have been regularly doing exercises, staying devoted to the gym and making progress in all ways around that.

The Garden: SO MUCH is happening there. I have a large red dahlia coming into bloom which had 1 stem last year and this year it has 4, the Dahlia imperialis is just getting so large, I have orchids on orchids on orchids coming into spike. It seems, though, that my Grammatophyllum multiflorum alba does not have flower spikes, after all, but new growths, which kind of sucks because I thought it was going to have 6 or 7 flowering spikes, which usually have nearly 100 flowers on them. "Alba" means without color(greens, white and some yellows, excepted), so this plant gets covered with 3-4 foot-tall spikes and green flowers, each flower nearing 2 inches. Quite a spectacle, indeed!!

My Masdevallia cucullata has an open flower now, as does my Masdevallia caudata(one of my faves). These are 2 newly aquired plants from Gary Meyers of colombiaorchidimports.com, which I received in early March. I do believe I have before mentioned this.

I had 8 Allium schubertii bloom this year. The flower heads are quite open and spread out, with the little flowers each distributed singly on the end of a "branch". Really like Fourth of July fireworks. The stems dry up and make seeds this time of year so I removed them and stuck then strategically around the garden in high spots to look like they had landed from some other planet. It is pretty cool.

I am going to leave you now with this one significant thought: "If you don't shut up, I'm going to slap you!!!"...................

I had been meaning to tell you.....

My 'cycnoches chlorochilon' has 2 huge green and very fragrant flowers on it this week......my 'masdevallia macrura' has a second flower as well. My 'catasetum pilleatum' has a flower spike, flowering late in July or early August and my 'catsetum macrocarpum' has a flower spike as well, blooming at about the same time.

Colorful skies and rosy outcomes

There's a parade today, which I have purposefully avoided, yet at some friends' house I see it on the TV. I am losing the battle against the negative thoughts of not being good enough as I reluctantly watch the whole unfold before me. I finally had to walk away. I do not feel that 'they" "should" or "should not" be doing what they are doing. I am not responsible for their ways of life and self-definitions. I am, however, unable to witness the goings on and not be plowed over with feelings of insufficiency, dread, regret, not good enough, insecurity, etc as I witness the various images of "perceived perfection" roll down market Street. I needed to stay away. I cannot eliminate the exposure to the whole of the visual imagery which shakes me to my core, and I expect to gain much from the minimization of "voluntary" exposure. One day soon I will be much more immune to it and not suffer the devastation that wracks my soul today. I can see re-entering the world of visual stimuli and experiencing a moderate response to those things, whereas today I have immersed myself too deeply and am still terribly sensitive to it all. I do not need to spend time "boosting" my self confidence with words of value, self-talk that is meant to build esteem. I am just wading out of the pool of porn and "perfection" imagery so I can gain a clearer and more accurate "worldview" and stop crucifying myself over what is really just a confused point of view and which is completely narrow in its scope, as well as terribly inaccurate and emotionally violent. I have been twice tempted in the last 24 hours to go back to what I am avoiding, simply because I "had nothing else to do" and it was momentarily frightening and alluring, but I managed to fill the time up with other activities. I am pleased to say that I have done well and expect that I will continue to do well for the rest of this day............

There are reasons to do what's need'n to be done

Today was my 2nd full day of staying clear of the porn and the mighty destruction that it brings me. Cold turkey is not do-able if one does not set their mind fully into the doing of it and not lingering in doubt and questions.
I went to 'Pink Saturday' tonight after work. HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people, booming music on 5 separate stages, a huge mirror ball with speakers hung from a crane over Noe street, the usual Pink Triangle(Thank you Nazi Germany for that!!) spread out below the lookout of Twin Peaks hill, lights under and around it, a laser light show, throngs of bodies pushing to and fro, drinking excessively(not me!!), the inability to move comfortably, trash everywhere(let's not candy coat anything, shall we not?), gorgeous half-naked specimens, many totally naked "ungorgeous" and downright hideous specimens as well, tits dangling, balls on display. Isn't the human creature an interesting and watchable spectacle?
I am skipping the parade up Market street tomorrow as a means of minimizing my exposure to more of the destructive messaging that comes when I see those parts and whole persons whom I deem are "perfect" as I told of last night. It is a part of my undoing of these destructive and divisive patterns that are intimately linked to porn, perfect visual images and my own lack of self-worth. There will be plenty of eye candy on display and I have no intention of exposing myself to more of the same dissatisfying pain that has accompanied me for far too long. I can do this, cold turkey, for one day today. I will deal with what comes my way tomorrow but I am going to minimize the exposure to assist myself in getting through it with gratitude and satisfaction. I wish myself all the best.......

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT!!! Read at your own risk......SERIOUSLY!!!

I am awash in confusion, pain, disillusionment; short on answers, long on misery. Why is it that I am repeatedly encountering such blisteringly awful people when all I am trying to do is connect, meet-and-greet, maybe find something with a bit more gravitas than just a friendship? What is wrong with me? I have to say that I don't really know that there is anything wrong with me but I keep attracting guys with the quality of flies to shit. I also see how I set myself up to imagine all kinds of awful things about me because I do indulge in the viewing of porn and use it to satisfy my carnal ambitions(more on this later). I imagined it was the safe way to keep myself from getting emotionally entangled, as I am so able to do, in one night stands or quickies. I cannot separate my emotional self from the sexual self and be animalistic in my pursuits. I cannot keep from growing some kind of attachment to the other person. I am not made that way. I am complete in my evolution and it is all meant to be experienced as a whole within me. Which brings me back to the pain of constantly encountering such freaks and weirdos. So I cannot go out and sleep around and find satisfaction, nor can I utilize porn as a means to recreate with my body because here is what happens: Porn is a set of idealistic pictures and actions, whether from the stand point of bodily perfection, sexual positioning, settings, etc. As I peruse porn, I see all these scenes and scenarios that are so titillating(I CANNOT BELIEVE that I just used that word!!!) and "perfect" in their specificity. My brain takes that "perfection" and punishes me for not having it in my life. I am not that perfect body, I am not the idealized fantasy of every living creature, I do not enjoy the perfect lover in my life, I do not have the biggest genitalia, best ass, nicest chest, nor youth anymore, I am not the living embodiment of every one's fantastical dreams. So I submerge myself into those fantasies of perfection but I do not walk away unscathed: I suffer a half-conscious repeated self-rejection every time I am confronted with the pictures, be it on a billboard(like A&F models, so young and visually perfect), in porn, in any kind of advertising. I am a victim of my ego's repeated and constant need to throw up into my face the seriously lacking details as compared to the perfections demonstrated in porn. As it is I work in the Castro and am constantly being bombarded with aspects of well-defined men, younger men, "more beautiful" men(all regardless of their state of drunkenness), and the built in reminder that I am not any of those thing(never mind what I am that is good), so therefore I am "less than", "lacking", "not good enough", "a failure", "uninteresting", "not deserving of respect and good treatment". And what do you suppose it is doing to me? It is slowly poisoning me. I see myself mistreating others. I see myself being caustic. I am becoming that bitter old fool that nobody likes to be around. I see why it is that so many people drink to excess so regularly. These self-inflicted demons are slowly wearing me down and I, too, want to escape. How does this tie in with the writings at the beginning of this blog post? Clearly, I had another, well 2, unfortunate and ugly incidents with prospective dates. I find myself too quickly wanting for them to "love" me rapidly, as a means of saying that I am indeed ok after all. I try to play it cool. I try to be reasonable. I want things to be smooth and simple yet I am so quick to become emotionally invested in what really is nothing more than a simple engagement over a plate of food. I need to step back. A LOT. I need to pull out from all the madness that I have created. I need to begin to recognize that when I'm "feeling" something for someone, it is WAYYYY TTOOOO SOOOON and quite possibly is rooted in my own obsessive need to "belong", "be loved", and not have to recoil so severely when it ends badly. Writing this now, I am embarking on a steady diet of "porn-free" living. I do not need the subversive psychological messaging that my brain gathers up and hurls back at me. I am not living life to be the embodiment of anyone and every one's deepest fantasies. How could that be possibly? I am not capable of maintaining a sexual lifestyle to give to all those people anyway. I get locked up into those half-conscious messages of not good enough and they are brutal and relentless because they sneak in and percolate so subtly, a feeling comes to tell me that I am living in the dream of their destruction and I suffer because I do not fully awaken to the stress of them. I then lash out at other people because I am in pain but am not able to see that my dissatisfaction with the other person is really based in the half-conscious pain I am basting in. I am unfriendly, I tell quick mental stories about them so as to distract from my own perceived failings(very short lived) and "package" them up into a cruel treatment and then dispose. It happens so very quickly and I find that I am aware of it AFTER they have gone and it becomes more shame heaped up on me and I continue to cruelly treat myself, half conscious, and the cycle continues. Is this any way to live?

Nostalgia begins with a thought

My, but I am reeling from the memories of before. It's such a feeling, or set of feelings, that washes over me, paining and thrilling me all at once. I have reached the place in my lifetime where memories are starting to feel like stabbing assaults for my not doing or being something, or for the times when I was young, filled with hope and had everything set out before me. I get so disillusioned by the idealism of the youths around me, my projected remembrance of how I was, in assumption that they, too, can see the limitlessness they possess that could compel them to greater things. No one knows that any of this is true. I can no more share with and influence their decisions and choices then if they were my own child. Everybody does as they need to with what is given them and it is an exercise in futility for me to imagine that any of it is real. I am glad that I have no kids for they would inevitably disappoint me in so many ways. That is what they do. I remember my mum telling me how proud of me she was and I wonder how much disappointment was underlying that pride. And for what? Just growing up to be an adult? I often wonder what it is that I had become that brought a smile to her face? And now she's gone, could never articulate that pride anyway. I am lost right now in a swirl of mad-making thoughts that are based in presumptive stories about how life should be, who I should be, how I should look, behave, what I should have. There is no profound truth and reality in any of it. It is a world created in the confines of my life that will never be anything more than subconscious influences which I work diligently to not let in and overwhelm me with untruths and mental anguish. It is not happening. It is not happening. My mother is dead, there's never to be any answers about her perspective, I can not change the past(she said that daily), nor can I realistically form my actions and plans around those lies. It is as futile as trying to regain the near perfect body of my youth. One is meant to have what one has in the moment one has it. In longing for what cannot be lies the trap of deception and fantasy. How can I be my most effective if I'm lost in those nebulous and ever-changing fantastical dreams. It is one thing to have dreams that are achievable, quite another to dream of what amounts to "Someone Else's" life. Nothing real or doable in that mess. I call it my soap opera....................

Waxing poetic and feeling blue in unanswered questions

"What do I gotta do to make you love empty place"............

Is this necessary? Possible? Obsolete?

Do I need to love like that? Do I need to be loved in that fashion? Is romantic love a right or a privilege? Does the perceived "empty spot" at my side need to be filled? Can I go the length and breadth of my life without that kind of connection? Can I settle for "less" as it is seen by our popular culture? Do I become "less than" or remain "less than" if I have no close romantic partner to share with? As I become conceivably "better" by making wise and fulfilling choices, do I become "more intimidating" and "less accessible" by those around me? Is it possible to be getting better only to have myself "less achievable" because those whom I would like to share time with are unable to meet me minus fear and insecurity? Can the clouds of longing part without the arrival of someone who is supposed to want me for me? Do I know how to be alone for the whole of the rest of my days and not feel dominated by feelings of emptiness and longing? Will I never write a song for someone special who makes me better than I am? Can I just know a love of all and not have to focus on one? Is there ever an end to wanting to be with someone else and just stand whole alone and be simply that? Can it be this way? A simple single existence filled with happiness and comfort?

All the popualr singers, writers, painters all make their influence felt via spoken word, sung word, written word, painted experience centered on love. A notion of belonging and how, if it goes unfulfilled then he who is without is somehow minus some amount of humanity. Truly though, what it is is a personal experience set to paper, canvass, music and we all know it all too well and feel it is about us and our own selves. I am not the man they portray. I cannot be. It is foolish to remain trapped in the ideas of someone else that says that I am less than without their version of life and love. It is their story, their idea of what life has to look like in order for it to be fulfilling, whether it is a set amount of money, perfect love, rich career path, etc. I see it all the time and I, too, become swept away in the story. But is it true? My youth has gone, as the story goes, and am I somehow worse off because I am no longer that svelte boy cavorting on the nude beach in San Diego, 1992? In that time of my life I felt worthless anyway, so what I had I didn't value and I let it slip away. I do not have insurance, a car, own a house, have much that I can call my own. The Great American Story is the dream of having "...all that this country has to offer", but what is that? I truly believe that it is simply freedom from "The Stories" of prosperity, wealth, money, love and all that goes along with it. The having of any and all of these things is not a person's downfall if said person has an appropriate, positive relationship with it all. Poor is not the person with no money, but rather the person who believes in and lives from the perspective of "poverty" of "not enough". I have next to nothing, by the standards that America has set up as a of set cultural necessities. I to have around me what I need to provide me with the pleasures of a life well-lived because it is how I see it. Nothing is anything without the story of value that inflates it and makes it "alive" for me. This includes the story of love and how neccessary or not it is in my life.

It is easy to lose moderation in reality(which is incredibly flexible) and become swept up in the view of "not having" or "not enough" and the real poverty in my world is the belief that it is so. If I do not view it as an empty chasm waiting to be filled by someone else then how can it be an empty chasm waiting to be filled by someone else?

One can stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon and see a dry canyon. Someone else, based on his own experiences in life can stand on the same edge and see a deep riverbed. It is both, is it not? The only personal difference is the story that each tells, based on their own life experiences.

Rain to one person is a damned shame as "I wanted to go to the beach today" and for another is "I love the fact that the garden is getting watered today". Both are truths that are sound for the individual and personal. I do not want to see the lack of love in my life as a dry canyon or a missed opportunity to enjoy the beach. Poverty of spirit comes from belief of the negative.

Even the most poverty-stricken, outward-focused times of my life were periodically filled with great joy at the piece of bread that I didn't "need" to go with my bowl of soup, or that the soup had "extra" meat in it so it felt more sustaining. A new pair of shoes on my feet when I had been walking around with holes in the ones I wore for 2 years. For that moment those new shoes made me as rich, mentally, as Donald Trump and all I needed to do was notice the blessing they were to me. These were the times of not focusing on what "was not" but living in "what is".

All there is is this moment and not being "in love" with someone, not having that singular experience and telling myself how empty my life is puts great poverty into play in all aspects of my life. Right this very instant I am greatful for the couch under me, the music playing on my play list, the greenhouse and garden out back, my good health, sobriety to know this value as it is occurring right now. To think on the nebulous, ethereal stories of love, riches, other people's good fortunes(perception, darling) is to not "show up" and "be present" for what is right in front of me.

How much less fortunate a self-created life is there? I do not have a reason to believe in an absence of something, except where I go into the "stories" in my head, collected along the way, that are eternally used by the sub-conscious ego to define the life I live in. There is such richness in the music I play right now, such joy where it hits me inside, knowing nothing about a personal poverty, an emptiness of sorts, just a quiet listyening to the reality of the house around me, with great joy welling up from the depths of me, seeking and knowing the Divinity of The Within that is whole. To believe otherwise is to tell the story of need from something outside one's self......

And while you're at it, get me some coffee

Isn't good writing, writing that conveys your visual imagination, based in the ability to flesh out, in words, multiple details and concepts so that the reader can ''see'' it for themselves? I know that there is great creative subjectivity in what someone reads since, if I write about the color red you, as the reader, will ''see'' your version of red. If I write about a red fire engine and a red apple in the same paragraph, won't red be in 2 different tones in your visual thinking? Oh the beauty of words and the messages they can convey.....

I want to tell you about my computer. No doubt in your visual mind up pops a generic image of perhaps an "off-ivory" desk top or the dominating silver of a generic laptop. Now let me tell you about my gold lame carrying case, which I use to tote my desk top around the world so I can always have access to writing in my blog. Hmmm......doesn't make much sense , does it? A carrying case for a desk top? But the introductions of both "gold lame carrying case" and "tote my desk top around the world" brings in a whole new set of particulars that are hilarious, ridiculous and just plain bizarre. My point goes back to bringing alive pictures in the reader's mind when I write.

This is what I love about writing.

I was walking home from the BART train the other night and was pleasantly accosted by the smell of summer grass gone dry from no rain. It is a particular smell that is similar to fresh cut hay. It is warm and inviting, quintessential summer, golden colored, pleasant to imagine being in the neighbor's barn again, jumping into the fresh piles of loose hay. There are pigeons who are nesting in the rafters, dust particles lingering long in the shafts of sunlight that are breaking through the disjointed wall boards in certain places. I was young then and had no idea what would become of my life, but the hay-jumping had me enthralled and so nothing else seemed to matter.

The return of Fall brings me such pleasure. The bent and broken light from a sun much lower in the sky, the coolness of the moist air is reason to "long sleeve" it. The amber light around me is reflected in the sycamore leaves which have taken on their inevitable color change, the "celebration" in the air as the holidays are fast approaching, with their specific festive accouterments, colors, music and pleasures. The sight of pumpkins, liquidamber trees, 'dahlia imperialis', door and window decoration brings such satisfaction. Cycling through Golden Gate Park to see the seasonal effects of the distancing of the sun from our side of earth, coupled with the warmth that still lingers but is waning, gives me such pleasure. Can you be witness to it along with me?

Every year I drown in the onslaught of each season as it commences with its' particular sights, smells, sounds, light, flowers and moods. It is perhaps the saving grace of my having to deal with people. I like that I can recede into the naturalness of my surroundings, even in the heart of Downtown Wherever I find the pleasures of which I speak. I do not dislike nor not enjoy being around and serving people in my job, I just love to find myself disconnected and lost in the simplicity of nature's complex structures and processes. The way the birds come and go to and from Lake Merritt in Oakland, the native 'Sequoia sempervirens' aka California Redwoods around the lake in different light for each different season, the 'agaves' planted around the gardens and landscapes reflecting the light and giving my visual field a treat in greens and greys or yellow striping.

There is nothing better than those (im)perceptible changes as they slowly rise and take over for the season passing, making their changes known but quiet. I wake up one day and it is indeed Fall, with the cooler air, the colors changing, the sun is lower, the pear tree is ripe, the 'asclepias physocarpa' has its family jewels splitting open and revealing the black seeds with downy wind catchers spread out for the next breeze to carry it outward. The warmth of the sun is still prevalent but more delicious as it has to be sought out and enjoyed against a warmed wall or pooled in the garden for a brief period. The ripening gourds and pumpkins hang nicely on their vines and the last of the tomatoes are in need of picking.

When contemplating the Fall, Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons' Fall section comes to mind. There is a halting ambition in the chords of violin as it heralds the commencement of the "wind down" of the warmth of summer, moments of warmth and smooth transition, accompanied by darker moments to remind of the darker days ahead. The restive days of sleeping friends in the garden and the few hold outs who are at their best in the garden in winter. The transitions are celebratory, for what is not to be celebrated in the movement and changes of the seasons? For, without the end of Summer coming, how can the beauty of Fall be known? As Fall diminishes to make way for Winter, how can the process not be seen as incredible? And as Winter surrenders to Spring and Spring back to Summer, there is that eternal progressive beauty which I find continuously and it is good.

Rahter disturbing are the gathering clouds

I got a phone call from a down-and-out relative today who's just going through "it". I guess it can happen to someone even as strong as she.
I am writing to you from my favored perch on the couch, feet up, coffee and granola at the ready with pictures and images swirling in my head, all begging to be let out and put on display here. Of course not all with be memorialized in this writing but they don't know that!! How are you? I think often of you and will always hope that your wellness is a constant source of happiness and when the time comes and you lose that, as happens to most all of us, that I can be there for you and hold your hand and be of some comfort.
The 'dahlia imperialis' that I planted last July(1 year already!!) just keeps getting bigger and bigger. They do that, I know, and I am pleased at how quickly it has gone from a 1 gallon weakling to this massive and beautiful "tree" that will bloom like mad at Thanksgiving. The cool, overcast days of November really do seem more brightly colored from the pale to medium pink of the blossoms. And the way in which the winds stir then to dancing is also quite satisfying.
I am pleased to inform you also that my 'masdevallia(s) cucullata' are all making new leaves and 2 of the 3 have flower spikes.These again are new imports from Colombia that I received from Gary Meyers of colombiaorchidimport.com fame. You've never heard of him, outside of my blog? Well, go look him up and order some plants!!
We had a very strong and influential cold front sitting over us for the last week and a half and it left me wondering if the sun really was in the sky after all. I do enjoy our seasonal foggy days but if they linger heavily for too long even I, a guy from Seattle, get down in the mouth about it. While I have waxed nostalgic over the cooler displays of color during the fog season, the sunny disposition of flowers in sunshine has its great appeal as well. Nice that we get to go back and forth. I doubt that constant sunshine for weeks on end with no end in sight would be interesting.
In my last posting I wrote long about the travails of dating, expectation and the loss of my sanity to the weight of being continuously thwarted in my efforts. I guess I have recovered enough to let it all just be and that is enough. I have met many persons recently and am somewhat surprised to find myself leaning toward the notion of "it's just not a good fit" and being free to not take that personally. It becomes difficult to not be horrified by others' behaviors and see their rejectionary (seems this is not a word) actions as a value judgment on my person. But as I continue to unravel the stories that I tell about what other people's behavior means/doesn't mean, I find greater solace and peace in the results.
Overall, I believe I am creating more peace for myself in the whole of my being by understanding the question "Is It True?" when applied to my reactionary responses to others' behaviors. It helps greatly........

The mind gets sucked in

My 'masdevalia macrura' has 2 rather substantial flowers right now outside in the yard. My 'masdevallia cucullata' has a flower coming, as does the 'masdevallia caudata'. All three are cool growers from Colombia and I got them from Gary Meyers of Colombiaorchidimports.com in March, so it is Nice to see the flowers so quickly. Of course the plants were quite big already, so that helps. I also got a 'pleurothallis wagneriana' from him that has had several flowers and has been a non-stop bloomer, pretty much, since I got it. It is funny how slowly nature progresses and yet if one is diligent in their observation, the changes are remarkable, interesting and so purely nature at her best. I really really like to see the minutiae of movement and growth. Satisfies me in just the right way. There is something profound in knowing that I have met enough of the specific cultural requirements for these plants to offer flowers. Really satisfying.........

This is not about Biking or Gardening today

The misery of my thoughts, my being trapped in what I believe "others" should/should not be doing is of great weight upon me today. Has been, really, for several days past and I am at a loss for why I have come back to this place and allowed myself to return to that patterned failing. I know that it is ineffectual, that it is a losing prospect; others' behaviors, choices and actions are outside of my control. I am not God. SURPRISE!!! And I will only lose myself in this 100% of the time.
I cannot begin to imagine how my eternal optimism gets hijacked by my ruminating about this subject, yet it is so familiar in how it happens. I lose myself in the belief that others need to/should want to be accommodating, that they are authentic people with good intentions(this is not to say that it is not true) and mean well. But I lose myself somewhere as I expect them to follow thru on their previous actions. Do they have an obligation to answer when asked? Is my contacting them for a clear delineation of intent unreasonable? I do not know but have to confess that I have been accused of stalking when I feel that I am just following up, or am thus met with silence when doing so. I am shamefully saddened as I write this because someone somewhere perceived this behavior as threatening when I am the least threatening and demanding person I know.
In the "online" world I find most of my troubles. Fear grips me now about revealing this here, honestly assessing what expectations are reasonable(having none is so hard!), what time frame is livable as I become so dependant upon "instant" answering as texting, IMing, emails provides, how my not getting the "instant answers" that I want becomes a value judgement upon me as being unworthy of the recipient's attentions(how utterly unreasonable and laughable yet so accurately describes my position). I do not seek to stalk, own, dominate someones life, yet it is a treacherous and confusing walk through this world where there is limited human contact, lots of effort to engage, and an eventual empty room that I stand in with all of these pictures up on the wall with offerings of so much and yet there is no follow-thru. I imagine watching a movie and getting caught up in the action so much that I begin to believe that I am truly there. A really good movie has this magic but the end comes and I remember that I am not really in it and I can come back to "reality" and know that it was all a "dream". How is it that I get sucked in to dating/meeting online and cannot shake the notion of just how unreal, like that movie, it is? And, most important, if it is so unreal, why am I willing to even put myself there? I get sucked in so easily by the visual stimuli presented, cast myself around to try to engage, expect some kind of participation and find the hollowness of the enclosure and its ripping me apart.
How is it that one cannot have expectations? If there are no expectations then why would one enter in to begin with? There is no sense in believing that I should have no expectations. "Hello, I would like to meet you and talk, but since I have zero expectations then it is certainly OK for you to just disregard this and I will not be surprised". Is that realistic? Having no expectations is just a catch phrase that people use to convey a simplistic approach to how they approach each other. It is disingenuous, dishonest and unrealistic. Of course if I have expectations then I am perceived as a threat. A wacko. Needy. Demanding. Unworthy.
The other side to this is, "Do I lower my expectations to meet someone?" And if I had no expectations then anyone would be acceptable? Ultimately, I believe that all people are living their lives in a manner which seems to suit them(until they don't) and it is not for me to judge them unacceptable, unworthy, etc. So how can I then justify having expectations as to how someone else will fit into my life or me into theirs? Easy: I know what I can live with as far as certain qualities, activities(heavy drinking/drugs not acceptable, for example) and so does that make me "less tolerant" or "having too many expectations"? Where is that line drawn so that I may know how to behave?
If it's really just about living easy and being simple then why do I bother with the rituals of "dating" and why is it that I believe the story that I "need" someone else around me who is more than just a friend? That is the final answer to all of this: my belief that I need "that" companionship, that connection to another and it is the downfall of this man today. I grovel in the shadow of belief and it pains me, drags me down, sucks my life right out of me, traps me in these pain-filled concepts of "not enough", "not good enough", "half empty" and as I look at at it from this vantage point I can see the reminder which has always been there that "jumping in" to this "movie scene" and believing it to be real is my own undoing so undoing it is the real answer. I have what I need, everything, and if there is to be more, it will arrive when it is supposed to and I can rest assured that I need not look for it. Can I continue to be this?

Isn't always the best way, you know.....

In a swirl of contentious and aggressive search, I find more madness then I do enlightened answers. The search goes on, I find more contention, I search some more and you get the rest. All in all, I feel as though it would behoove me to "unplug" from my searching ways, knowing that there is more madness and sadness within that madness then there are answers to the longing. I just have to remind myself that I have all that I need and nothing is missing. How do I know? Looking at my paltry bank balance. The answer is fully there. I have as much as I am supposed to and need is therefore subjective.

But you know, it is always that tug and there has always been a pile of "options" for filling it. I guess it is the never-ending hunger.....

When the sun rises it's up

I think I sleepwalked a little last night. A few nights a week I take to bed with me our(as in my housemate Gerry and I) excellent and wonderful grey cat Bam. He sleeps well most of the night but at some point wakes up(usually right when my dreaming is at its best) and slinks up to my face and begins to tap me on the lips and chin. Also he is known for stretching out sideways along my arm and rubbing his head against it while touching my face with his paws. It is at this point that I wake and think "Oh Hell No!!!" and get up and put him in thew kitchen with Clark for the remainder of the night. Well, last night it seems I never woke up to do this as I always remember the getting up and such as I have to open my door and put him out. I woke this morning with no cat(he was in the kitchen) and no recollection of putting him out. It is highly unlikely that he let himself out as my old Victorian door is heavy and noisy when opened and a bit much I think for him to close again behind him. As I was sleeping though I guess I will never know the whole story and will just have to imagine the obvious.

I am entering my 3rd week of no cycling. My body just seems to be taking a rest, which suits me fine. I am not particularly "upset" at myself for taking this break as I trust my inner process(which is outside the rules-based ego) to guide me to do what is right. I am still doing lots of exercise at the gym and elsewhere but waiting for the signal that it is time to ride again.

The garden is rich with texture and color today. I pulled 5 weeds that had popped up since Friday, watered a few things, took note of the ever increasing size of the 'dahlia imperialis', 'salvia gesneriiflora', the 'thunbergii' vines, the jasmine "throwaways" that Gerry dragged home a few weeks ago. I am sharing the garden with 1-3 people today who are coming over to survey all that I am always bragging about and to call it good.

My 'dendrobium sanderae var Major'(variety Major because it has larger flowers than the other 'dendrobium sanderae') has 3 buds on it but 1 is blasting(the rejection process that plants go through if they are over-zealous in bud production or there are sudden severe circumstances which are harmful to the plant, such as lower humidity). At least I ought to get 2 interesting flowers from it. it is a young plant so I cannot expect too much. One of my 'cycnoches chlorochilon' has female flowers developing because it has been growing in really high light. My other one has just begun to show itself preparing to bloom so I have moved it into lower light to see if I can get it to produce male flowers. Interesting either way but the female flowers are a lot less interesting(sorry girls!!!) so I would like to see some male flowers again this year. 'Catasetums' and 'cycnoches' are known for their ability to produce both male and female flowers, depending on the quality and intensity of the light they are in. So a plant can grow up on a branch in its native habitat and have good light for years and make female flowers, then as the branch it grows on gets other stuff growing up and around it, the light can become affected enough that the plant then will start to produce male flowers. Eventually the plant could be overwhelmed by understory growth from below(new trees, etc) and die off all together. This is the cycle of life.

HEY!!!! There's no need to be crass(or is there?).....

As a matter of personal interest, I worked in the garden today. Nice day for it. The usual "overcast" skies gave way to...to....oh, no they didn't. It is overcast today. Really nice actually because it lets certain nuances of color and shading be more pronounced yet demure. The gray-green of the 'agave americana' pups is more subtly obvious then in glaring, blinding sunlight(which I do like too) and there is no blistering heat on the back of my neck and forearms. Also, when I water, it tends to linger longer in the ground and on the leaves(watch for mildew, people!!!) and allows the plants to absorb more of it.

As I was watering around the 'mimulus lewisii', a hummingbird came to feed. 'Mimulus' are trumpet-shaped and perfect local natives for the hummers to feed from. I was "too close" to the 'mimulus lewisii' so the little hummer hovered about 2.5 feet right out in front of my face, "checking me out"(I would imagine as I didn't have the opportunity to ask.....) and hung there for perhaps 5-7 seconds. That's a lifetime for a hummingbird so close to a human, or a lifetime for 2 football teams in a very close Superbowl and the lower scoring team has the ball within reach of a touchdown. Anyway, it was kind of lovely. I just stood still, relaxed within the moment of it all, and waited. She/he ended up flying over and perching on the nearby fence and waited(I assume she/he was waiting as again, I didn't ask...) for me to abandon her/his food source. This hummingbird had a natural green tint to his/her feathers, overall, much like a male Mallard duck has on his/her neck(hey!! S/He might be transsexual!! LEAVE IT ALONE!!!). It is a regularly seen colored hummingbird here and it is always a pleasure to see.

I planted my 'lonicera hildebrandiana' (Giant Burmese Honeysuckle), along with a 'yucca aloifolia', a blue 'salvia' of some sort(yawn.....Gerry brought it home and I'm stuck with it), as well as a "spurge" 'euphorbia' that is in full chartreuse bloom right now. Our tomato plants are freaking out beautifully in their pots, with one small fruit on one plant right now. My 'masdevallia cucullata' are all growing new leaves and one has a flower spike(I have 3 from Gary Meyers' colombianorchidimports.com), the golden plum tree in the back has so much fruit that one branch has cracked and will need to be removed once the fall comes. GREAT sweet fruit!!! My 'lilium regale' has just finished blooming and my 'lilium Black Beauty' plants(I have 9 from B & D lilies in Port Townsend, WA) have a combined total of 75 flower buds and I expect I will see flowers in time for my birthday in mid-July. What else? Hmmmmm..........I did plant into the ground 2 different 'leucodendrons' from Africa. One is 'leucodendron discolor Pom Pon' and the other is some thing I can't be bothered to remember(Shhhh, don't tell Gerry!!!). The 'canna warscewiczii' is just going bonkers, another greatly visited plant by hummingbirds. My 'solandra maxima' has TONS of new foliage and has already had one flower this year. I bought it in February in SF and it had mostly defoliated, was 15 feet long(one single long stem) planted in a 3 gallon pot and needed some serious attention and food. Suffice it to say, I have given it more than its share and so it rewards me a'plenty!

The neighbor, right across the fence to my right as one leaves my front door, has taken it upon himself to break off pieces of my yellow 'brugmansia' hybrid that grow over his fence, and he throws them back into my yard. Seems very passive-aggressive, so I spoke to him about it today, telling him that if he wanted me to cut it so it would not grow into his yard, please let me know but not to break it off and throw it into my yard. He became somewhat apologetic and nice about it, saying that as his 'brugmansia suaveolens' in his back yard needs to be cut 3-4 times a year due to aggressive growth, he was just addressing my overgrowth in to his yard. "Well why throw it over the fence? Why not just put it in the trash?" I asked. Seems like he's uncomfortable owning his own deeds and just kind of let it drop instead of answering. I believe, though, that it has been handled and we will not have the same situation in the future.

There has been a lot of peripheral death in my life lately, say in the last 3 weeks. A cat was hit and killed and still lies alongside the road I walk to the commuter train(interesting to witness the decay. Not in a good, enjoyable way but in a way like "oh, so that is how that looks"). Someone took it upon themselves to bag up and dump into a vacant yard their rather large dead dog and though the city of Oakland has been called, it still sits there rotting and stinking up the way to and from my house. And then on Sunday morning, a child of 30(or so) was found to have overdosed around the corner in the Castro in a between space of hedges in front of Worn Out West. He was clean, well dressed, looked healthy(as told to me by Fred at Brand X Antiques next door to the sight of this kid's death) and not "street" as one would expect from such a sad story. I was most saddened by the idea that somebody was to get a phone call this week to learn of the fate of their son. I guess the wheels of life keep turning......

Onward and upward I heard

I had the day off today. All the usual 5 weeds that had popped up in the garden since my last weeding had to be plucked, the greenhouse needed its daily watering(it's about 80 degrees in the today), and my 'dockrillia bowmanii' has 2 flowers, unexpectedly. It is a small plant so to have any flowers at all is nice!!!
'Masdevallia macrura' has 2 flowers coming on it and my 'gramatophyllum multiflorum citinum' (2 plants) have a combination of 6 spikes between them and it should be blooming in August or September. I got a reed-stemmed 'epidendrum' hybrid from my friend Marc Cohen(aboutorchids.com) that he grows outside in SF all year and it is nearly always in flower. I also got from him a very large chunk(Thanks, Marc!!) of 'bulbophyllum biflorum', some 'Cassia" seeds(A Brazilian, tree I think), a handful of cuttings from a soft spiny epiphytic cactus(jungle cactus) that he also grows outside all year. Very cerise flowers!!! I also received a small 'stanhopea nigripes', 'porroglossum muscosum' and a few odd cuttings of this-n-that. All very nice and his generosity is legendary!!!
There is a cool breeze blowing, stirring up dust and sending in the clouds(not clowns, Barbra, clouds!!) from the west. As I was riding home from SF today, I looked around me at all the variety of persons present on the train with me. Funny hats, electronic devices in hands and ears, backpacks so heavy with book, and I wondered how these folks and I would fair together in the event that the BART train encountered the "unimaginable" in the event of a break in the tube and water gushing in to meet us. Would we all struggle together to help each other out? How many of us might perish in such an event. I am not a pessimist so much as a mildly analytical realist who sees the world from the position of "what if" and how would it look and what would we do? I'd have to say that Hollywood's constant draw to "emergency" or "tragedy" stories makes me wonder about these things. I also realized that I was not scared and actually comfortable with the idea that I might not survive such an event. Curious......